Simply Be

Finan stepped out of the warmly-lit base and strode into the still night. The boisterous laughter of his mercenary company faded away as he narrowed his eyes, searching for her in the dark. And there she was —  a small silhouette pricking out of the vast expanse of the cliff, so far away she seeped into the cloudless sky. 

A sudden thump in his chest made him hesitate. What was he going to do, stroll up to Claretta and strike a conversation just like that? He wasn’t able to treat her wounds without her bristling at him, let alone be in the same room without her exceedingly uncomfortable silence weighing down on him like judgement. She even treated David — the one who had worked with her the most — with words so pointed, they’d put a knife to shame. Then there was the look she gave him — the purse of her lips, the slant of her brows. What thoughts swam behind those brown eyes she shielded behind her aviators..?

Finan felt his ears grow warm. Damn it! He threw his gaze to the ground and tightened his shoulders. That only made the warmth spread to his cheeks. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He paced around, clenching at his heart to stop it from beating so fast. He was just intrigued by her, that was all. Who wouldn’t be? She was savage on the battlefield, but never a beast — ruthlessly precise, never wasting a bullet on someone who didn’t need it, even if it meant extra cash. But yet, after a day of fighting when the company licked their wounds or stroked their egos, she wore a different skin. Her coy smiles, muted chuckles, and preening eyes — they all catered to whatever the men wanted to see or hear. 

Finan shook his head. That wasn’t it. She’d still perform the same show in the battlefield — just a different act of it. But who was he to blame her? That was how he blended in when he arrived in the country that would be his new home  — no, that wasn’t right either. He was sure she had her own reasons he could never understand. 

But for now, here she was, alone in the dark where no eyes reached her. Who would Claretta be this time?

Biting his lip, Finan walked towards her, remaining quiet but still letting his boots crunch over gravel and kick loose pebbles about. As he came closer, he saw a pair of earphones in her ears. A grin sprung onto his face, and he quickly pulled the corners of his lips down as his cheeks turned hot. So she was a music enthusiast like him. Big deal — a lot of people were. 

Finan managed to get right behind her — that was a surprise. He shifted his foot in the dirt. Only then did Claretta snap out of her thousand-yard stare across the plain.

She quickly killed the surprise in her eyes and removed an earphone. ‘Why are you here?’

‘Oh, I’m just, well, you know…’ Finan’s hands flailed about, then quickly wrapped around himself when he realised his mind was completely blank. 

‘No, I don’t know,’ Claretta said. 

‘Uh, man. Just… getting away from the crowd and all. Maybe have a quick smoke. Like what you’re doing!’

‘You like crowds and I don’t smoke. What do you want?’

‘Wha-no, that’s not what I—’ Finan sighed and looked away. Why did he have to say that? The cliff’s edge looked very tempting right now. ‘Alright, alright… I was just wondering where you went. What you’re doing and all that, since usually you’d be chatting with the guys.’ 

Claretta nodded towards her CD player. ‘And now you know the answer to those two questions. Go away.’ 

‘Oh, okay. But, um-but what are you listening to?’ Finan stumbled over his words. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, of course.’

She furrowed her brows. ‘Why do you want to know?’ 

‘Hey, it’s alright if you don’t want to, man,’ Finan raised his hands and offered a weak chuckle. ‘No pressure or anything. I was just curious, that’s all, since—’

‘You brought your CD player too?’

Finan gulped. There was no malice in her voice. ‘Uh, yeah.’

Claretta faced away from him. ‘I doubt this will interest you.’

‘I mean, you never know until you try! But, uh…’ Finan pinched his nose bridge. ‘Sorry for bothering you and all. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll just head back to the base and…’

He was about to turn back when he heard her sigh. ‘What do you listen to?’

‘Me? Ah…’ Finan failed to curb the enthusiasm in his voice, ‘mostly rock and hip-hop. Like, I don’t know, Linkin Park—’

Claretta spluttered. Finan flushed. ‘Did-did I say something wrong?’

Claretta swallowed a smile. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting a person like you to listen to Linkin Park.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Finan frowned. 

‘It’s nothing, really. I’m not one to talk,’ Claretta waved her hand. ‘It’s just that their music’s heavy and you’re… the most optimistic person I know. You’d go out of your way to help anyone, even if they didn’t ask for it.’ 

Finan grimaced slightly at the jab and prepared for another. Instead, Claretta sighed. ‘I’m sorry I’ve been rude.’ 

Surprised, he stayed silent for a second, then snorted. ‘Ah, it’s fine. We all need our alone time—’

‘Not just for that. For…’ she shook her head. ‘You were just doing your job. You were doing more than your job. You always check up on everyone when you don’t need to. Frankly, you shouldn’t be here. You should be at a proper hospital treating people who actually deserve it.’ 

‘Hey, I signed up for the money like everyone else here. I’m no different,’ Finan made a small smile. ‘I’m just doing my best to keep everyone alive. And they’re not all sadistic warmongers. David’s my best pal and he’s gotta support his parents. You’re alright, too, you know.’ 

He got one decent conversation with Claretta and he called her alright? Real smooth, Finan. 

Claretta’s expression turned sombre once more. She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it. Instead, she offered her earphones to Finan. ‘Tell me when you’re done. You don’t have to listen to it all the way through.’

‘Really?’ Finan smiled. ‘Wow, thanks Claretta. So should I, uh…’

Without looking at him, Claretta patted the ground next to her. As smoothly and gently as his heart hammering against his chest, Finan sat next to Claretta. She handed her earphones over to him and he put them on. 

The slow, long, lull of a violin note took him by surprise. It droned on, then melded with another note, mixing from dissonance until they were pulled right to a sharp, high note — a stepwise motion to a virtuosic display of fiery intensity. 

Claretta stared ahead as Finan listened to the sonata. She didn’t need the CD to play the melody in her head. It would only be a few seconds until he removed her earphones. Then he would say something like, ‘Wow, I didn’t know you listened to this kind of stuff!’ before leaving and never mentioning it again. She sunk into herself. This was a mistake. When was he going to stop listening so she could get this over with—

She stopped her thoughts when she glanced at Finan. Even in the dark, she could see his eyes were wide open — not in shock, but rather… awe? A minute passed, then two, then five. He remained still through the piece, the crook of his finger resting on his chin as he listened. 

When it ended, Finan removed her earphones, his face still fixed in thought. ‘Wow. That was…’

Claretta quickly took her earphones back. ‘I know. Not something you’d expect of me.’

‘Well, that makes the two of us,’ Finan smiled. ‘But really, that was also… man, I don’t know what to say. In a good way! It’s like the… the power and technique and the… volume?’

Claretta raised her eyebrows. ‘You mean the dynamics?’

‘Yeah, that! I’ve never heard anything like it before. It’s like it’s constantly climbing and falling, and there’s the part where it sounds like a fight. Like it’s telling a story of a struggle against something,’ Finan chuckled and scratched the back of his head, embarrassed.. ‘Ah, guess I’m reading too much into it. Didn’t know classical stuff could sound like this! What’s this song called?’

‘You mean piece?’ she said. ‘Ysaÿe Sonata 3. Well, technically Ysaÿe Violin Sonata No. 3, but that’s a mouthful. It’s one of my favourites. And your interpretation of the piece is similar to mine.’ 

‘Ha, then maybe I should give the violin a shot!’ As he laughed, Finan’s heart swelled at hearing the slight lilt of passion in Claretta’s voice. ‘You really know your stuff, huh?’

Claretta nodded.  ‘That was me playing, after all.’

Finan paused for a second. ‘Are you serious? What? When? How?’ 

‘I played a lot when I was younger. Did contests throughout my life growing up. I think I was seventeen there.’ 

‘You were seventeen?’ Finan stared at her in disbelief and laughed. ‘Claretta, then what the hell are you doing here?! You shouldn’t be here! You should be performing in some… hall or something, I don’t know!’ 

Claretta snorted. ‘Thank you, but that wasn’t my best performance. It just… means a lot to me.’ 

Finan nodded. ‘Y’know, I know next to nothing about instruments, but I stilll think that was amazing. It’s a shame you’re here, having to fight in crappy places for crappy people.’ 

She cast her eyes down at her CD player. ‘Yes, it really is a shame.’ 

Finan realised what he said. ‘Oh — not that I mean it in a bad way or anything. You’re good at being a merc too. And hey, it’s dirty work, but it pays for the bills and more.’ 

‘I guess,’ Claretta’s eyes met his, ‘but it’s not all crappy, anyway.’

Finan smiled and quickly looked away, endearment gushing red into his face. They sat next to each other in comfortable silence until Finan cleared his throat. It was getting too hot for his liking. 

‘Well, thank you for letting me listen to the piece. I really enjoyed it.’

Claretta nodded and smiled — she smiled, and it looked nowhere close to all the other days he had seen her smile. Seeing her eyes light up filled him with fluttery bliss that melted his heart. His eyes couldn’t help but linger on hers as he stood, grateful that she chose to share this side of her. He gave a last smile before he tore himself away, hoping that one day, she would be able to live a life where she could simply be and smile through each day, too. 

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Spelling check + minor edits: 21 March 2022